Friday, September 14, 2012

chapter 13 would you like to play a game?

I slept until noon.
My fan club outside were still screaming their fool heads off.  The thing under the floor was still vibrating in  seeming frustration.  The computer geek the fish wife and Allen were still arguing.
I yawned and got out of bed.  For once I didn’t go out to paradise doughnuts.  I changed out of my night gown into jeans and t shirt and fixed myself a cup of tea.
The thing under the floor tried to follow me.  (Oh please!  Their little toy couldn’t catch me before I knew what it was)  I made a bit of a game of it for a while.  Standing still, letting it almost catch up to me then moving away and waiting.  
I finished my cup of tea and sat on my bed, thinking.
Now that I had blown their nifty keen booby trap how much longer before they cut the dumb shit and just cap me in the back of the head next time I leave the apartment.  I’m not fucking bullet proof and I can’t stay inside my apartment forever.  I’ll run out of tea eventually.
I settled back on the bed and crossed my legs in a comfortable half lotus.  Breathing in a few cleansing breaths.  Out goes the bad air in goes the good.
I began to meditate.
I have never been able to do the whole free your mind of all thought thing, (I think it’s a failing of my puritan upbringing.  A mind not thinking feels like sloth which is The deadly Sin.)  That’s not what I need right now.  Enlightenment can wait, I need a way out.
The mind free not from thought but emotion, from need, from desire.  Past, present, future, possibilities, probabilities.  Like a four dimensional chess game  I move the pieces around in my mind seeing how the games play out.
Hour after hour I sat.  Getting up every once in a while to fix a cup of tea and go to the bathroom.
“What the hell is she doing?”  I hear one ask.  “Just fucking sitting there.  She hasn’t moved all fucking day.”
Watching someone mediate is about as much fun as watching grass grow.
I sat.
The day past.
I sat.
Night came.
I slept.
Day came.
I sat.
My fans were getting restless.
A plan was taking shape.  
Night fell.
I sighed and curled into sleep.  Hugging my familiar pillow  to my face for the last time.

And now we rejoin our story back in the room with my rapt audience of baby doctors.
I finish my story and smile at the faces of the baby doctors.
“Ok, now I have a question for all of you.”  I lean back in my chair.  “How do you know I’m insane?”
“People see what they expect to see.  You are brought here into a mental hospital, you are introduced to a woman you are told is, ‘unbalanced’.  Well, your expectations have been pretty well set haven’t they?  Can any of you honestly say you have even once looked at me and wondered about anything other than finding as many multisyllabic words from your overly expensive medical education you can use to make your agreement with your teacher sound as original as you feel you can get away with?”
They shift in their seats uncomfortably and chuckle self consciously
“I don’t want an answer, after all our time is almost up here isn’t it?”  I glance up at the clock on the wall.  “I leave you with that one question to ask yourselves.  How do you know that I am in fact delusional?”
“You all are in training to be doctors, so at some point you all are going to have to step out from the comforting shelter of books and teachers and make your own decisions, reach your own conclusions.  As a student the most important thing for you are the answers.  When you are out of school you will find that questions are far more important than answers and more interesting.”
I rose from my seat, smiled to all and went back to my coloring books.

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